Reflections on Beginning this Blog

Tonight, as I raced back and forth to bring my oldest daughter to her Christian Formation class, i found myself in a reflective mood. I have been feeling completely exhausted this week, emotionally drained and unmotivated to tackle any project in the house, however minor it might be.

i am a mom that is lucky enough to be able to stay at home with her two happy little girls, ages 5 1/2 and almost 4. sometimes i don't feel lucky though. i am envious of my husband working outside the home and having adult conversation. i am envious of him not having to have a running household inventory and to do list going in his mind at what seems to be all times.
it always seems as if i am forgetting something - because i probably am. do we have toilet paper? what's for dinner? is the laundry smelling in the washing machine? are we out of beer? where am i going to put all these papers that DD#1 (dear daughter) brought home from school? is my car inspected? why are there shreds of crayon wrapper everywhere? why won't the garage door open and who wrote on the floor? which dog puked on the carpet and will he do it again? did my girls eat a vegetable today and when was the last time I brushed DD#2's hair?

i made it for a whole year of my DH (dear husband) being deployed to Afghanistan, taking care of all these things and more. somehow, when there was no one here to help me it did not bother me as much as it does now. i took care of everything, and was for the most part optimistic about running everything. it really was not as tiring as i feel now. i got more help while he was deployed, than when he is home. my attitude for most of that year was, "you do what you gotta do." This year i am having a harder time feeling that way. It is more frustrating feeling all alone when he is actually home.

because he works outside the home, and does the online bill pay, apparently he doesn't feel as if he needs to help. it is so much more frustrating to have someone around who is supposed to be your partner in life and everything that goes with it, ignore you when you ask for help with tasks like fixing the leaky sink or garage door. or tell me when we run out of something, like when i go to get a beer and the tap is dry. now he has decided that i spend too much money so he won't shovel anymore either. when a family of 4 with two dogs, needs to be fed and taken care of and one person is doing all the shopping for that household, then of course i am going to be the one spending more.

i just don't understand why i have to carry the whole load just because i don't have a job that pays me. anyone else out there riding the waves of life like this?